The Ms. Jenny Philosophy of Rejection

I wrote this in 2008 but never published it. Recently I’ve witnessed a number of my acquaintances lives fall apart due to breakups. So in the spirit of their woe, this is getting posted.

I used to think I was invincible. Boys, looks, confidence and a reasonable gpa. So much abundance, nothing could overthrow the dynasty. Unfortunately for me,  disappointment, rejection and failure have since then decided to get acquainted. My point here is not to get into the nitty gritty, but to share my learning. Tragedy is the name of a band I started back in elementary school with my big brother. It is also one of the most valuable aspects of human nature. Especially after emotional wounds have healed. Anyway, these are my tips for getting over life’s inherent shitty-ness.

1. Bask in it. Yup. Doesn’t love hurt? Pain builds character. I must say, now that I am more accustomed to ‘rejection,’ I know exactly how I do not want to feel. Furthermore, I now feel like an incredible ass for not outright rejecting people I wasn’t that into. Rejection is best dealt blunt. Passive agressive behavior just prolongs the suffering of all involved parties.  Another step closer to maturity. Yessss.

2. Feelings are not calories. However, ice cream is. Don’t eat your feelings, you’ll just feel worse. The best revenge is NOT served cold. Your goal is to look mind-blowingly hot, because that is sweet, sweet revenge.

3. OK, go out on the town. Just don’t be that girl who spends the whole night whinging/crying/telling people her tragic life story. Also, don’t be the polar opposite: the drunk rebound slut. Personally, I always feel better after rejecting the slew of dudes that inevitably hit on me after dark. Remember, this type of rejection is ok, because it’s blunt!

4. Delete your exes phone number. De-facebook him. Get him out of your life. There is nothing more dangerous to the process of moving on than repetitious phone calls of desperation followed by late-night stalking on the internet in order to find out every sorted detail about his life post-you. This step should actually be more than one step.

A) The Calling: Pleading and begging with him is not going to make him want you back. It’ll make you look (obviously) desperate and annoy him. If you do it enough, It’ll make him grateful you’re out of his life. He’ll start ignoring your calls and forget all those great things about you that he fell in love with. It will also inflate his ego. He’ll be thinking, “wow I’m such a sexy dude that no girl can live without me once they’ve tasted my manliness.” I myself was guilty of calling and pleading with an ex once. Let me tell you, it was awful. I realized what I was doing and stopped cold turkey. Once I stopped, I swear to you, he started calling ME all the time. Moving on made him realize what a douche he was and he begged ME to take him back. (I did not).  By deleting his number, you will also guard against any potential drunken bootie-calls, angry phone calls, or texts about how you’re the best he’ll ever get. Awesome.

B) Defacebook: Unfriend him, his sister and his mom etc. Stop yourself from jealously reading all those comments other girls wrote on his wall since he was 13. You’re just going to get upset even if there’s nothing to get upset about. Get a hold of yourself girl.

5. Don’t make a scene when you’re around mutual friends. Don’t avoid him either. Don’t give him that satisfaction. Act like you don’t care, and that he doesn’t affect you. This can be difficult. But hopefully you are smart enough (and now hot enough after following step 2) to be as cool and awesome as you always were. Confidence is so attractive. He’ll be envious of yours.

6. No matter how much you may feel like you want to die, DON’T DO IT . Don’t tell him how depressed you are. Tell your therapist. He’s not worth it. You’re not going to feel bad forever. A couple weekends ago, I saw Giselle. She actually died of a broken heart. But if people actually died of broken hearts, beautiful ballets like Giselle would not exist. Furthermore, unlike Giselle, you’ll find someone else. I bet Duke Albrecht, although very sad after his love affair failed and killed Giselle, eventually moved on.

Good Luck.