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Give You Everything I Got for a little Peace of Mind

April 23, 2011


The Title. Well not really. I just feel that ‘I’m so tired’ (while a great song) is not an affective title for this post. I mean, it’s certainly true to how I’m feeling. But the phrase is used so often it’s lost all meaning to me. I’ve even probably already used it for a post title. So instead, it’s “Give You everything I Got for a little Peace of Mind.” I’m in zombie mode. My fingers are not coordinating with the keys. Why don’t I sleep, you wonder? Well tomorrow is Easter and I promised my Mom I would help her spring clean the house. I realize how stupid that sounds. Two nights of no sleep in a sorry anticipation for the cleanse. Tis yet to begin, but the sleeplessness has not. I realize that now (even more than I comprehend how awful my grammar is) that my thoughts are contrived my thoughts. Ridiculous though the reasons I cannot sleep may be, insomnia is still my plague. Uggg…

So what am I doing in the meantime?

Laying On my bed looking up crochet patterns, historical fashion archives, and finding weird stuff to put on my tumblr page. Giving up on that stuff, turning lights off, tossing and turning, giving up on sleep stuff, eternal torsion. Out.

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The Ms. Jenny Philosophy of Rejection

February 20, 2011

I wrote this in 2008 but never published it. Recently I’ve witnessed a number of my acquaintances lives fall apart due to breakups. So in the spirit of their woe, this is getting posted.

I used to think I was invincible. Boys, looks, confidence and a reasonable gpa. So much abundance, nothing could overthrow the dynasty. Unfortunately for me,  disappointment, rejection and failure have since then decided to get acquainted. My point here is not to get into the nitty gritty, but to share my learning. Tragedy is the name of a band I started back in elementary school with my big brother. It is also one of the most valuable aspects of human nature. Especially after emotional wounds have healed. Anyway, these are my tips for getting over life’s inherent shitty-ness.

1. Bask in it. Yup. Doesn’t love hurt? Pain builds character. I must say, now that I am more accustomed to ‘rejection,’ I know exactly how I do not want to feel. Furthermore, I now feel like an incredible ass for not outright rejecting people I wasn’t that into. Rejection is best dealt blunt. Passive agressive behavior just prolongs the suffering of all involved parties.  Another step closer to maturity. Yessss.

2. Feelings are not calories. However, ice cream is. Don’t eat your feelings, you’ll just feel worse. The best revenge is NOT served cold. Your goal is to look mind-blowingly hot, because that is sweet, sweet revenge.

3. OK, go out on the town. Just don’t be that girl who spends the whole night whinging/crying/telling people her tragic life story. Also, don’t be the polar opposite: the drunk rebound slut. Personally, I always feel better after rejecting the slew of dudes that inevitably hit on me after dark. Remember, this type of rejection is ok, because it’s blunt!

4. Delete your exes phone number. De-facebook him. Get him out of your life. There is nothing more dangerous to the process of moving on than repetitious phone calls of desperation followed by late-night stalking on the internet in order to find out every sorted detail about his life post-you. This step should actually be more than one step.

A) The Calling: Pleading and begging with him is not going to make him want you back. It’ll make you look (obviously) desperate and annoy him. If you do it enough, It’ll make him grateful you’re out of his life. He’ll start ignoring your calls and forget all those great things about you that he fell in love with. It will also inflate his ego. He’ll be thinking, “wow I’m such a sexy dude that no girl can live without me once they’ve tasted my manliness.” I myself was guilty of calling and pleading with an ex once. Let me tell you, it was awful. I realized what I was doing and stopped cold turkey. Once I stopped, I swear to you, he started calling ME all the time. Moving on made him realize what a douche he was and he begged ME to take him back. (I did not).  By deleting his number, you will also guard against any potential drunken bootie-calls, angry phone calls, or texts about how you’re the best he’ll ever get. Awesome.

B) Defacebook: Unfriend him, his sister and his mom etc. Stop yourself from jealously reading all those comments other girls wrote on his wall since he was 13. You’re just going to get upset even if there’s nothing to get upset about. Get a hold of yourself girl.

5. Don’t make a scene when you’re around mutual friends. Don’t avoid him either. Don’t give him that satisfaction. Act like you don’t care, and that he doesn’t affect you. This can be difficult. But hopefully you are smart enough (and now hot enough after following step 2) to be as cool and awesome as you always were. Confidence is so attractive. He’ll be envious of yours.

6. No matter how much you may feel like you want to die, DON’T DO IT . Don’t tell him how depressed you are. Tell your therapist. He’s not worth it. You’re not going to feel bad forever. A couple weekends ago, I saw Giselle. She actually died of a broken heart. But if people actually died of broken hearts, beautiful ballets like Giselle would not exist. Furthermore, unlike Giselle, you’ll find someone else. I bet Duke Albrecht, although very sad after his love affair failed and killed Giselle, eventually moved on.

Good Luck.

Planting Seeds

February 10, 2011

Some time ago my therapist told me not to plan anything. Not look to the future. Goodbye big picture thinking. Just exist in the present. As a person with ADHD, I’m an avid planner. I have a ton of ideas; I just never carry them out. I believed I’d be the world’s best researcher. I could outline a topic, take a ton of random notes, and find you a vast wealth of information. Just don’t ask me to sift through it all and make something of it. And don’t rely on me to stay focused. I’ll either obsessively follow one topic, or jump from topic to topic to topic (times a billion) because everything is fascinating and boring all at once. I’d like to learn more about a lot of things and write about these things too and my environment is a reflection of that.

My room is a chaotic monstrosity. I keep a million notebooks, just to list all the things that come to mind. My bed is surrounded by piles of books on any number of topics. (Ancient civilization. Needlecraft. John Adams. The Middle East. Health magazine. Architecture and design magazines. Crossword puzzles. Crime and Punishment. Metamorphoses. The Time machine. Whales. ) I’m not kidding. This is a very small sample of the heap that engulfs me. Sometimes I get revved up to get organized. Generally this starts with doing laundry. Inevitably, I lose interest half way through. My clothes wither as a neatly sorted fortress around the washing machine. Eventually I’ll finish washing, but folding is out of the question. If it happens, it will be MUCH later. Add this to the stacks of notes, books and magazines already in my room and you have a hazy glimpse of where I sleep at night.

Obviously, the not planning thing was a struggle for me. I’m not sure I was really successful. My room is still a dump. Never getting anything done and always searching for things to do is an incredibly stressful way to live, but so is living with having no goals, no purpose and nothing to do. Basically it involved me reading (aka falling asleep while reading), sleeping a lot (which is something I do occasionally anyway, when I decide to go off certain medications) or wasting away in front of the TV. Neither options are working methodologies for a happy life. I love learning so very much. It’s sad because I failed so miserably at the college thing. And I still don’t really know what to do with myself.

Then I remember I used to enjoy my cultural studies courses, especially when these included literature and film. It was fun to take notes on what was going on and analyze the director’s intentions and artistic method. I also enjoyed writing, although my thoughts are so jumbled, I could never put down what I really wanted to say. This would frustrate me so extremely that papers would either be late or never get done.
So here is my new non-plan-plan. No planning for the future (i.e. degree, career, etc). I want to practice my writing. I want to write little bits, reviews of things I watch, read, observe and post them. I need to do something with all the lists I make every day. Eventually maybe there will be some underlying theme that links these snippets together. Maybe I will make something of it. This is not a big project, or a big deal. But getting in the habit of writing is what I would like.

“i know by now, by an almost fatalistic conformity with the facts that my destiny is to travel, or perhaps it’s better to say that traveling is our destiny.” (Ernesto ‘Che’ Guevara, notas de viaje)

May 29, 2010

yesterday my therapist told me that i’m way too white for someone who just spent a week at the beach.

May 27, 2010
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Sing to Me Oh Muse

May 26, 2010
“Sing to me of the man, Muse, the man of twists and turns
driven time and again off course, once he had plundered
the hallowed heights of Troy.” (Homer, The Odyssey Book 1)

A long time ago in a galaxy far far away the veil lifted away and my eyes and ears were exposed to an entire universe of music. I was born again and it was awesome.  Each band I ‘discovered’ fueled my search for more and more until music seemed to define my existence. At some point during my prolonged college circumstance I plateaued. Way too much time transpired  since I felt excited about a “new” band. Last night it happened and I’m so glad. I went to my very first show at jammin java. It was tremendous. I can’t wait to start going there all the time. For $15 we pretty much got a private show by Pete Francis and Shwa. What can I say? Except that I did not expect the sets to be as good as they were.  After the show all the musicians chilled near the bar and talked to whomever approached. Being the awkward person I am, I did not talk to any of the bands and left as soon as my friend paid his tab. However, I did hear these overweight Hispanic girls giggling and prodding one another to go ask Shwa Losben how old he was. “OMG!!” Future groupies maybe? I sincerely hope not for Shwa’s sake (but then again, my standards are set extremely high for culling my own groupies.) You might call me a criterion elitist. Oh, who am I kidding? A few weeks ago I most definitely reverted back to my teenage-giggle-face self after spotting Ethan ( from Lost) at a neighboring table at the green leafe. Not only am I guilty of texting everyone ever whose unlucky enough to be in my contact list but multiple photographs were also taken by request. Tangent over now (I swear).

Back to the show. Pete Francis was definitely worthy of a bigger venue. I mean,  dispatch‘s  ‘final concert‘ in  2004 attracted so many fans  (110,000 or so ) that Boston pretty much had to shut down. Francis played some stuff he wrote with dispatch (‘burning the river’ and ‘two coins’) but he mostly rocked his new album (the movie we are in).  Oh god everything his band busted out was purely fuckin-a-fantastic. The set began with ‘glue’ which I recommend you download off his website for free. ‘Red Cloud Road’ and ‘Love Shakes You Down’ are two (among many) seriously sweet tracks. I’m so glad that I stumbled across this event when I was browsing through the  ‘cool things to do’ app on my ipod about an hour prior to showtime. Pete Francis puts on the kind of show that makes you want to melt or fly or both because it is that good. You should be very jealous.

I also really enjoyed Shwa. Even without the full band the show was most excellent. I especially liked ‘Brooklyn Girls,’ ‘everything fell into place’ and ‘Never too soon to compromise (yourself and your values).’  I’m positive that with a livelier/rowdier crowd Shwa would have absolutely killed and sent me to the moon. Actually not the moon, cause it’s a little barren, but maybe to a nice fluffy care-bear cloud. If only I had known Shwa existed when they did a show at iota last month. Shwa’s new record, Good Times, Good Times, was released yesterday and the more I listen to this album the more I love it.   Listen/download  this song for free cause it’s swell:Chop Chop by Shwa Losben. You should also check out Shwa”s blog: Good Times with Shwa Losben. Crazy interesting stuff. That’s it for now. Go forth. Rock well.

David Byrnes v. Crist

May 25, 2010

David Byrnes is suing the governor of Florida for wrongfully using ‘road to nowhere’ in a GOP sponsored campaign. Even better? If Governor Crist or the RNC had asked for permission to use the song, Byrnes’ answer would still be NO. I applaud David Byrnes for his belief that music is about more than money and personal gain. Check out Byrnes’ blog to find out more.

http://journal.davidbyrne.com/2010/05/052510-yours-truly-vs-the-governor-of-florida.html